When I was in the elementary school, the second half of 1970s, I used to find many girls getting married after graduating from elementary school. Don’t imagine that they were around 11 or 12 years old when graduating though. For some reasons, many went to school at a later age (not around 6 or 7 years), so that it was possible they were already 15 years old or older than that when graduating from elementary school. In that decade, especially in the environment where I lived, it was common for girls around 15 to get married.
I was lucky because my parents didn’t just adopt such a “culture” so that they didn’t think of marrying me to anybody after graduating from elementary school. They let me continue my study to junior high school. And as a rebel, I didn’t continue to Muhammadiyah school, I chose a state school instead. It means I did not conform to the “culture” in my family. I went to a state senior high school too.
In a narrow sense, in that decade, it was a culture for women to get married before reaching 18 years old. (According to Children’s Convention, anybody who is under 18 years old is still considered a child that needs to be protected by the parents, society, as well as the country.) Women stopped getting a higher education after elementary school was also a culture at that time.
However, the condition is not really as “bad” as like that nowadays, although there are still same cases similar to that. Mentioning this, I want to remind my blog readers that to say culture is something dead, moreover culture is created by God, instead of constructed by society, is absolutely mistaken. Nothing doesn’t change, wise people say.
Referring to my previous post, “Feminism: a western culture?” in this writing, I want to give another simple example to counter people’s accusation that feminism was just a movement from the west that was not suitable for the easterners. It is right that the term ‘feminism’ was coined for the first time in 1891 in America (Bauer, 1998:33). However, the most important thing is that the struggle behind this term—feminism. To me, feminism is to give women freedom to choose what they want to do in their lives, without any limitation only because they were born with breasts and vagina plus womb.
Not only women in the west can make decision for their lives; women in the east can do that too. Women are also human beings, as men who have enjoyed their being superior for centuries. It does not mean that I want women to be superior though. LOL. Equality is more beautiful.
In my own life, by claiming myself as a feminist (though it is not really important), I want to emphasize that I adore making decisions for myself.
Please stop abusing the term ‘culture’ only to keep the status quo of the patriarchal society.
PT56 13.45 220108
Showing posts with label patriarchal culture. Show all posts
Showing posts with label patriarchal culture. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Women: The Oppressed & The Oppressor
Several weeks ago, a workmate of mine told me about a neighbor of hers who was treated very unfairly by his mother. The mother has four children. She treated her husband (or ex husband, I am somewhat not clear, but they lived in different houses) very selfishly. My workmate’s neighbor who was not treated well by his mother would be scolded very poignantly by the mother if he went to the father’s house to “look for an ally” to “face” the selfish mother.
When telling me about this case, my workmate said, “I don’t understand how a woman can be such a cruel person. She didn’t treat her husband well. She forbade her children to be close to the father while she herself didn’t treat the children fairly. She really didn’t represent “woman’s face” who, in the patriarchal culture, was usually the oppressed. Instead of being the oppressed, she herself was the oppressor. How could such a thing happen?”
To comment my workmate’s rhetorical question, I said that we could not really generalize things that happen around us. There must have been a very crucial thing that happened to that woman so that she acted like that. It could be the way she was raised by her parents, or the “lesson” she herself “deducted” from her life experience, or any other things.
“Was she a kind of woman that feminist movement wanted to ‘shape’, very contradictory from the stereotypes of women in the patriarchal culture: submissive, weak, feminine, vulnerable, etc? How could she know about feminist movement while in my opinion she was just a very common woman, not really educated?”
This was the following rhetorical question from my workmate.
I said that when feminist movement wanted to reach ‘equality’ between men and women, it was very different from what she illustrated as “women control men”. Instead of being the oppressed (men were the oppressor), feminist movement did not automatically mean women oppress men back. It was not ‘equality’; it was taking revenge.
How could such a woman exist in the patriarchal culture?
*****
In Jurnal Perempuan number 54 with the main topic “Celebrating Women’s Diversity”, there is one main article that attracted me. It was entitled “’Batu Permata Milik Ayahanda’: Dongeng Tradisional Indonesia” (“’Father’s precious stone’: Indonesian Traditional Fairy Tales”) written by Riris K. Toha-Sarumpaet, a professor of children’s literature from University of Indonesia. The article was the result of Riris’ research on many fairy tales in Indonesia.
In short, there are two categories of women in those fairy tales: the oppressed, and the oppressor. The oppressed women can be found in some fairy tales following Cinderella motive, such as “Putir Busu dan Bawi Sandah” from Dayak, one ethnic group located in Kalimantan, the biggest island in Indonesian archipelago. As an oppressor, people can take “Malin Kundang”—this tale illustrates how the son was cursed to be a stone by the mother. Besides teaching children to be obedient, this fairy tale also depicted a heartless mother who was not willing to forgive the only son. Fairy tales illustrating sibling rivalry—such as “Bawang Merah Bawang Putih”, women simply are contradicted to each other—the oppressor and the oppressed.
When reading or listening to fairy tales with two contradictory kinds of women, children probably internalize the stories into their sub-consciousness. Patriarchal culture—with the help of those fairy tales—cruelly shapes children’s way to view women. As a result, they can grow up without any choices but the two: being the oppressed or the oppressor.
*****
Going back to the case of my workmate’s neighbor, his mother in fact is just another victim of the status quo of patriarchal culture.
PT56 12.45 080108
When telling me about this case, my workmate said, “I don’t understand how a woman can be such a cruel person. She didn’t treat her husband well. She forbade her children to be close to the father while she herself didn’t treat the children fairly. She really didn’t represent “woman’s face” who, in the patriarchal culture, was usually the oppressed. Instead of being the oppressed, she herself was the oppressor. How could such a thing happen?”
To comment my workmate’s rhetorical question, I said that we could not really generalize things that happen around us. There must have been a very crucial thing that happened to that woman so that she acted like that. It could be the way she was raised by her parents, or the “lesson” she herself “deducted” from her life experience, or any other things.
“Was she a kind of woman that feminist movement wanted to ‘shape’, very contradictory from the stereotypes of women in the patriarchal culture: submissive, weak, feminine, vulnerable, etc? How could she know about feminist movement while in my opinion she was just a very common woman, not really educated?”
This was the following rhetorical question from my workmate.
I said that when feminist movement wanted to reach ‘equality’ between men and women, it was very different from what she illustrated as “women control men”. Instead of being the oppressed (men were the oppressor), feminist movement did not automatically mean women oppress men back. It was not ‘equality’; it was taking revenge.
How could such a woman exist in the patriarchal culture?
*****
In Jurnal Perempuan number 54 with the main topic “Celebrating Women’s Diversity”, there is one main article that attracted me. It was entitled “’Batu Permata Milik Ayahanda’: Dongeng Tradisional Indonesia” (“’Father’s precious stone’: Indonesian Traditional Fairy Tales”) written by Riris K. Toha-Sarumpaet, a professor of children’s literature from University of Indonesia. The article was the result of Riris’ research on many fairy tales in Indonesia.
In short, there are two categories of women in those fairy tales: the oppressed, and the oppressor. The oppressed women can be found in some fairy tales following Cinderella motive, such as “Putir Busu dan Bawi Sandah” from Dayak, one ethnic group located in Kalimantan, the biggest island in Indonesian archipelago. As an oppressor, people can take “Malin Kundang”—this tale illustrates how the son was cursed to be a stone by the mother. Besides teaching children to be obedient, this fairy tale also depicted a heartless mother who was not willing to forgive the only son. Fairy tales illustrating sibling rivalry—such as “Bawang Merah Bawang Putih”, women simply are contradicted to each other—the oppressor and the oppressed.
When reading or listening to fairy tales with two contradictory kinds of women, children probably internalize the stories into their sub-consciousness. Patriarchal culture—with the help of those fairy tales—cruelly shapes children’s way to view women. As a result, they can grow up without any choices but the two: being the oppressed or the oppressor.
*****
Going back to the case of my workmate’s neighbor, his mother in fact is just another victim of the status quo of patriarchal culture.
PT56 12.45 080108
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Media and Culture
Media is one best way for promotion. Many companies use media to promote their products or services to public, both via printed and electronic media. Media is also best way to promote ideologies that will influence people’s way of life, one of them is ‘culture’. Therefore, media is also oftentimes considered as the scapegoat of the changing in lifestyle, habits, behaviour, etc.
Colonialism era—where many western countries, usually referred to ‘white’ people colonized eastern countries, usually referred to ‘coloured’ people—created gap between the white and the coloured. This gap engendered inferiority to the coloured—the colonized—toward the white—the colonizers. This phenomenon is easily understood if until now the inferior feeling still dominates the coloured. This resulted in view that everything from the west is more interesting, more appreciated, and more modern than the east.
The emergence of internet and television has bridged between the west and the east so that the spread of culture takes a shorter time more easily, and even more thorough. The absorption of one aspect of culture from the “superior” countries to the “inferior” countries happened ‘somewhat naturally’ and people seemed not to realize that. In television business, people behind the screen, such as the owner of production houses, the directors, the producers, and the owner of television stations, only think about their own profit, so that they air programs that refer to the superior countries, to attract more audience, to increase the rating, that means to attract more advertisers, without caring whether what they have done will decrease their own cultures.
Should we blame the next generation that probably feel more proud to be called, “MTV generations”? Should we blame them who don’t really know their own traditional dances, languages, performances, and some other aspects of Indonesian cultures? Should we blame them who prefer spending their free time hanging around shopping malls and enjoying meals in fast-food restaurant having foreign franchise? Aren’t they products of the egotism of capital owners, and older generations that bombard media with foreign products?
Gramsci with his famous hegemony theory proposed an idea to involve the ‘organic intellectuals’ (such as academicians) participation to get rid of foreign cultures. The academicians are encouraged to make the young generations realize the dangers of foreign cultures to abolish the local cultures; not the traditional intellectuals (people who have money) that even seem to legitimate the power of foreign cultures.
However, I believe it is not as easy as turning our palms down. The academicians do not have as much money as the capital owners—behind the screen of media. It is difficult for these organic intellectuals to produce programs to compete with the programs proposed by those who only think of profit for their own pocket. As far as I observe, the number of these organic intellectuals is not comparable to those traditional intellectuals. Therefore, it is not wise to give the burden to watch the bad impacts of globalisation on the next generations’ lives to the organic intellectuals only.
What can we do now?
As a mother of a teenage daughter, I just have one suggestion to all of us: to have open communication and harmonious relationship with our children. Good and open communication will enable us to guide our children without making them feel led forcibly. One generation gap between our children with us sometimes make them consider us old-fashioned if we do not follow their ‘world’. We always have to follow and accompany them when undergoing something new, discus it together, while look for solution together too. Not all values and ideology coming from the west are bad. This is our duty as parents to choose and select which is positive which is negative, based on our discussion together with our children.
Let us start from home.
PT56 13.47 110907
Colonialism era—where many western countries, usually referred to ‘white’ people colonized eastern countries, usually referred to ‘coloured’ people—created gap between the white and the coloured. This gap engendered inferiority to the coloured—the colonized—toward the white—the colonizers. This phenomenon is easily understood if until now the inferior feeling still dominates the coloured. This resulted in view that everything from the west is more interesting, more appreciated, and more modern than the east.
The emergence of internet and television has bridged between the west and the east so that the spread of culture takes a shorter time more easily, and even more thorough. The absorption of one aspect of culture from the “superior” countries to the “inferior” countries happened ‘somewhat naturally’ and people seemed not to realize that. In television business, people behind the screen, such as the owner of production houses, the directors, the producers, and the owner of television stations, only think about their own profit, so that they air programs that refer to the superior countries, to attract more audience, to increase the rating, that means to attract more advertisers, without caring whether what they have done will decrease their own cultures.
Should we blame the next generation that probably feel more proud to be called, “MTV generations”? Should we blame them who don’t really know their own traditional dances, languages, performances, and some other aspects of Indonesian cultures? Should we blame them who prefer spending their free time hanging around shopping malls and enjoying meals in fast-food restaurant having foreign franchise? Aren’t they products of the egotism of capital owners, and older generations that bombard media with foreign products?
Gramsci with his famous hegemony theory proposed an idea to involve the ‘organic intellectuals’ (such as academicians) participation to get rid of foreign cultures. The academicians are encouraged to make the young generations realize the dangers of foreign cultures to abolish the local cultures; not the traditional intellectuals (people who have money) that even seem to legitimate the power of foreign cultures.
However, I believe it is not as easy as turning our palms down. The academicians do not have as much money as the capital owners—behind the screen of media. It is difficult for these organic intellectuals to produce programs to compete with the programs proposed by those who only think of profit for their own pocket. As far as I observe, the number of these organic intellectuals is not comparable to those traditional intellectuals. Therefore, it is not wise to give the burden to watch the bad impacts of globalisation on the next generations’ lives to the organic intellectuals only.
What can we do now?
As a mother of a teenage daughter, I just have one suggestion to all of us: to have open communication and harmonious relationship with our children. Good and open communication will enable us to guide our children without making them feel led forcibly. One generation gap between our children with us sometimes make them consider us old-fashioned if we do not follow their ‘world’. We always have to follow and accompany them when undergoing something new, discus it together, while look for solution together too. Not all values and ideology coming from the west are bad. This is our duty as parents to choose and select which is positive which is negative, based on our discussion together with our children.
Let us start from home.
PT56 13.47 110907
Monday, July 30, 2007
A Lesson in Life
One workmate of mine used to work in Lombok island, located in the eastern part of Indonesia. She told me since she was in college, she had set her heart on living in this exotic place. People who have visited Lombok island usually say that this island is even more beautiful than Bali, the most visited place in Indonesia nowadays by foreign tourists, because it is more serene, pristine, and “original” than Bali.
After living there for some years, she went back to Java island. I forgot why she didn’t just go on living there. If I am not mistaken she said that she felt “enough” to have experience living in that remote area and she had to go back to the most populated island in Indonesia, Java island, the “center” of everything, education, entertainment, shopping, etc.
Around three years ago she got married, not because of love, but because being married was “the must-passed step” in someone’s life to be considered “normal” and “happy” by other people. So “cheated” was she in the consensus of patriarchal society that she believed that everything would be alright after she got married. She would no longer be besieged by questions from society, “When will you get married?” She was in the middle of thirties at that time.
Before getting married, she barely had time to know her husband-to-be because they didn’t know for a long time before deciding to get married. This was the result of religious teaching that a man and a woman had better get married as soon as possible, without any time for courting to know each other better. They would have much time to do that after getting married. The main reason for this teaching was to avoid doing sinful things, such as touching, kissing, and intercourse before they became legal husband and wife.
I still remember after the first weeks she got married, she said that it was the best decision to get married soon so that both she and her husband were “legal”, they could do anything they wanted (read touching, kissing, until intercourse) without any barrier, without feeling sinful because violating religion’s teachings.
FYI, after getting married, she somewhat retreated herself from me, she was not as open as before. We still sometimes had a private talk, but she did not talk as much and as open before she got married.
A couple of weeks ago, she told me two distinct things.
First, suddenly she said that she missed her days when she lived all alone in Lombok island. “I was lonely at that time, but I enjoyed my time being alone. I sometimes feel so burdened to be a mother and a wife. Now I set my heart on spending some time again there in Lombok, all alone, leaving hubby and my two children. I deserve to get my freedom don’t I?”
As a person who still enjoys my “freedom” (I mean not involved with anybody but Angie, my daughter), I don’t want to provoke her though. LOL. Even in this situation I still miss my time when I was pursuing my study in Yogya, where I lived really all alone. I still sometimes want to live some days without Angie’s begging me to do this and that for her.
However, from what both she and I feel, I can conclude that we all sometimes need some time to be alone; one thing that is still considered weird in Indonesia, especially for women. Although men are mostly understood when they want to leave the family, women are forced to be tied closely to the family, if they want to be categorized into “good women”.
What I can do to this friend of mine is just giving her support, “Yes, despite our being social creatures, we also deserve to enjoy being alone. Just do what you think you need to do. Take a break for some time from your job, and enjoy your freedom.”
Second thing she said was, “Now I realize that the Islamic way to get married is not always good. It is even oftentimes misleading.”
“Islamic way to get married? What do you mean?” I didn’t catch what she meant.
“Well, you know in our religion we are taught that it is a big sin to be close to someone—different sex—before he legally becomes our husband, to avoid adultery. We are taught to get married as soon as we meet someone who really attracts our attention. To know him more after getting married is more beautiful because there will be no barrier between us. But what about if after getting married we find out that in fact he/she is not like what we want. We will regret very much. We can file divorce, yes, but isn’t it better that we know each other well first, then we get married, to avoid the possibility to get divorced because our spouse turns out to be not like what we want?”
I smiled to hear her say so. She obviously belongs to the type of person who doesn’t easily believe in what people say before she proves it by herself, by undergoing it in her life.
I am of opinion that religions are created by some brainy people to help other people; to help make this world run better. However then in the process, the good teachings have been messed up by selfish people; even the teachings are used to marginalize a group of people. And as we know, unfortunately, many religions are even abused by people to corner women. And some of the teachings are even abused to create a big gap among people so that they hate each other.
Going back to my friend who inspired me to write this article. :) We used to be close with one more friend, she moved to another town to follow her husband four years ago. Among three of us, she was the most innocent and child-like. Her marriage has taught her a lot about the real lesson in this life.
PT56 17.00 290707
After living there for some years, she went back to Java island. I forgot why she didn’t just go on living there. If I am not mistaken she said that she felt “enough” to have experience living in that remote area and she had to go back to the most populated island in Indonesia, Java island, the “center” of everything, education, entertainment, shopping, etc.
Around three years ago she got married, not because of love, but because being married was “the must-passed step” in someone’s life to be considered “normal” and “happy” by other people. So “cheated” was she in the consensus of patriarchal society that she believed that everything would be alright after she got married. She would no longer be besieged by questions from society, “When will you get married?” She was in the middle of thirties at that time.
Before getting married, she barely had time to know her husband-to-be because they didn’t know for a long time before deciding to get married. This was the result of religious teaching that a man and a woman had better get married as soon as possible, without any time for courting to know each other better. They would have much time to do that after getting married. The main reason for this teaching was to avoid doing sinful things, such as touching, kissing, and intercourse before they became legal husband and wife.
I still remember after the first weeks she got married, she said that it was the best decision to get married soon so that both she and her husband were “legal”, they could do anything they wanted (read touching, kissing, until intercourse) without any barrier, without feeling sinful because violating religion’s teachings.
FYI, after getting married, she somewhat retreated herself from me, she was not as open as before. We still sometimes had a private talk, but she did not talk as much and as open before she got married.
A couple of weeks ago, she told me two distinct things.
First, suddenly she said that she missed her days when she lived all alone in Lombok island. “I was lonely at that time, but I enjoyed my time being alone. I sometimes feel so burdened to be a mother and a wife. Now I set my heart on spending some time again there in Lombok, all alone, leaving hubby and my two children. I deserve to get my freedom don’t I?”
As a person who still enjoys my “freedom” (I mean not involved with anybody but Angie, my daughter), I don’t want to provoke her though. LOL. Even in this situation I still miss my time when I was pursuing my study in Yogya, where I lived really all alone. I still sometimes want to live some days without Angie’s begging me to do this and that for her.
However, from what both she and I feel, I can conclude that we all sometimes need some time to be alone; one thing that is still considered weird in Indonesia, especially for women. Although men are mostly understood when they want to leave the family, women are forced to be tied closely to the family, if they want to be categorized into “good women”.
What I can do to this friend of mine is just giving her support, “Yes, despite our being social creatures, we also deserve to enjoy being alone. Just do what you think you need to do. Take a break for some time from your job, and enjoy your freedom.”
Second thing she said was, “Now I realize that the Islamic way to get married is not always good. It is even oftentimes misleading.”
“Islamic way to get married? What do you mean?” I didn’t catch what she meant.
“Well, you know in our religion we are taught that it is a big sin to be close to someone—different sex—before he legally becomes our husband, to avoid adultery. We are taught to get married as soon as we meet someone who really attracts our attention. To know him more after getting married is more beautiful because there will be no barrier between us. But what about if after getting married we find out that in fact he/she is not like what we want. We will regret very much. We can file divorce, yes, but isn’t it better that we know each other well first, then we get married, to avoid the possibility to get divorced because our spouse turns out to be not like what we want?”
I smiled to hear her say so. She obviously belongs to the type of person who doesn’t easily believe in what people say before she proves it by herself, by undergoing it in her life.
I am of opinion that religions are created by some brainy people to help other people; to help make this world run better. However then in the process, the good teachings have been messed up by selfish people; even the teachings are used to marginalize a group of people. And as we know, unfortunately, many religions are even abused by people to corner women. And some of the teachings are even abused to create a big gap among people so that they hate each other.
Going back to my friend who inspired me to write this article. :) We used to be close with one more friend, she moved to another town to follow her husband four years ago. Among three of us, she was the most innocent and child-like. Her marriage has taught her a lot about the real lesson in this life.
PT56 17.00 290707
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Document to Work
The government of South Sulawesi, one province in Indonesia, recently has planned to issue regional regulation to minimize or diminish the practice of children and women trafficking. There have been many cases where women from this area are employed in “indecent places” such as bars, nightclubs, as naked dancers or prostitutes abroad. (NOTE: they were cheated. At first they were promised to work in ‘decent’ places, such as waitress, but then they were employed as naked dancers or prostitutes). The local government thought that to anticipate it, they needed to issue a certain regulation. One article in the regulation stated that to work abroad, a woman/a child has to get written permission from the chief village. When she doesn’t have such a document called SIBPA (Surat Izin Bekerja Perempuan dan Anak/A Permission Letter to Work for Women and Children), they are not allowed to work.
However, then, it creates another problem: the unfair treatment toward male and female workers. Male workers are free to work anywhere they want, they don’t need to undergo a complicated process by getting such a permission document from the chief village where they live; while female workers need to get that document. The impact? If a female worker doesn’t have that, and she insists working, she will be exposed to some risks:
1.She will be arrested and put in jail because they are considered to violate law.
2.She will get no protection from the government when something wrong happens to her, such as violent treatment from the employer.
Not to forget that those women who are willing to work abroad, and who sometimes are cheated by the irresponsible agent are from poor family. They need money to survive, and not just for self-esteem or self-actualization (according to the hierarchical needs of Maslow’s theory). They have to go abroad because the local government cannot provide them enough job vacancies whose salaries are expected to secure their future.
While for children who are supposed not to work, but to get education to prepare their future, they can be legally employed after they get that permission document.
Therefore, women groups think that instead of protecting women and children from trafficking, this regulation even violates their rights to work for women, and to pursue their education for children.
PT56 12.25 230707
However, then, it creates another problem: the unfair treatment toward male and female workers. Male workers are free to work anywhere they want, they don’t need to undergo a complicated process by getting such a permission document from the chief village where they live; while female workers need to get that document. The impact? If a female worker doesn’t have that, and she insists working, she will be exposed to some risks:
1.She will be arrested and put in jail because they are considered to violate law.
2.She will get no protection from the government when something wrong happens to her, such as violent treatment from the employer.
Not to forget that those women who are willing to work abroad, and who sometimes are cheated by the irresponsible agent are from poor family. They need money to survive, and not just for self-esteem or self-actualization (according to the hierarchical needs of Maslow’s theory). They have to go abroad because the local government cannot provide them enough job vacancies whose salaries are expected to secure their future.
While for children who are supposed not to work, but to get education to prepare their future, they can be legally employed after they get that permission document.
Therefore, women groups think that instead of protecting women and children from trafficking, this regulation even violates their rights to work for women, and to pursue their education for children.
PT56 12.25 230707
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Victims ... Victims ...
Around two months ago a workmate of mine (a woman, in her mid forties) got a quite serious illness so that she needed to be hospitalized. That made her drop two classes assigned to her since her doctor said that she needed quite a long time to rest for the medication.
When some workmates and I talked about it, one workmate said that probably her illness was caused by her strict diet she had been undergoing. One new workmate (female, less than thirty years old) showed her surprise with that because we all knew that the sick workmate had quite a slim body. What made her be in a strict diet? So I explained to her that the sick workmate had a slim body because of her strict diet. She indeed easily got upset when she found out that her weight went up although only for one kilogram. She told us openly about it without feeling shy, and without thinking that it was a personal matter. I could say that she was a kind of naïve.
Hearing my explanation, my new workmate said, “Oh poor her … She cannot enjoy her life then. She cannot enjoy eating delicious food as much as she likes. She will keep thinking of how to make her weight stable. Look at me! I am plump and I don’t consider it a big problem in my life. I am confident enough with this condition. Therefore, I enjoy eating delicious food.”
****
Around a week ago, my new workmate read an article in a magazine about some exercises that can help shape some parts of the body. So interested was she that she copied it. That really stunned me since I still remember what she said two months ago, about her being confident with her body. She has changed, eh? So soon?
Since then, I have overheard several times about her complaint about her own appetite. “How can I reduce my weight if I keep eating? But I am starving now. How to make my stomach full without making my weight go up?” One evening I heard her say that in the teachers’ room. I kept quiet. I didn’t want to embarrass her by reminding her about what she said two months ago.
There she was … A new victim of consensus that beauty is slim. What has changed her? I have no idea.
****
This morning, my mood was bad to join aerobics so that I just did some fitness, such as riding a stationed bicycle, and did some other exercises for muscles. (Well, I don’t know how to say it in English. LOL.) When the aerobics finished, and some members went down, I approached one friend. “Hi … were there many members joining the aerobics today?”
“Well, quite a lot. Why didn’t you join it?”
“Oh well, I just wanted to do some fitness.”
“By the way, did you get any offer from someone here—a man—to consume medicine to reduce the weight?”
“Oh yeah? How do you know such an offer?”
“Some of our friends have consumed it.” She answered.
“I see. Well, nobody offered me. Perhaps he thought that I am slim already?” I teased her. LOL.
“Oh, yeah, maybe.” She said.
“Or maybe because I have a frightening face so that nobody dared to offer me?”
“Oh well, not frightening I think. But, people respect you so that they feel a bit reluctant to offer you.”
I just smiled to hear that. Then, she left.
****
Well, it is not easy to offer me anything, I assure you. I will change when I want to change. I will use a product when I think I need to do that. I will buy a product when I need that.
And about being a victim of BEAUTY IS SLIM propaganda, well, I must say that sometimes I am one victim too. LOL. But I can control myself. Well, it is just like propaganda of BEAUTY IS WHITE, I am also one victim of it too. But it doesn’t mean that I will leave my swimming hobby, although I know it has really made my complexion much tanner than before I swam regularly. Besides, my blog (western) friends said that tan complexion is very exotic.
This patriarchal culture with its capitalism really sucks, doesn’t it? Especially to people who don’t’ have high confidence with their own appearance.
PT56 13.10 160607
When some workmates and I talked about it, one workmate said that probably her illness was caused by her strict diet she had been undergoing. One new workmate (female, less than thirty years old) showed her surprise with that because we all knew that the sick workmate had quite a slim body. What made her be in a strict diet? So I explained to her that the sick workmate had a slim body because of her strict diet. She indeed easily got upset when she found out that her weight went up although only for one kilogram. She told us openly about it without feeling shy, and without thinking that it was a personal matter. I could say that she was a kind of naïve.
Hearing my explanation, my new workmate said, “Oh poor her … She cannot enjoy her life then. She cannot enjoy eating delicious food as much as she likes. She will keep thinking of how to make her weight stable. Look at me! I am plump and I don’t consider it a big problem in my life. I am confident enough with this condition. Therefore, I enjoy eating delicious food.”
****
Around a week ago, my new workmate read an article in a magazine about some exercises that can help shape some parts of the body. So interested was she that she copied it. That really stunned me since I still remember what she said two months ago, about her being confident with her body. She has changed, eh? So soon?
Since then, I have overheard several times about her complaint about her own appetite. “How can I reduce my weight if I keep eating? But I am starving now. How to make my stomach full without making my weight go up?” One evening I heard her say that in the teachers’ room. I kept quiet. I didn’t want to embarrass her by reminding her about what she said two months ago.
There she was … A new victim of consensus that beauty is slim. What has changed her? I have no idea.
****
This morning, my mood was bad to join aerobics so that I just did some fitness, such as riding a stationed bicycle, and did some other exercises for muscles. (Well, I don’t know how to say it in English. LOL.) When the aerobics finished, and some members went down, I approached one friend. “Hi … were there many members joining the aerobics today?”
“Well, quite a lot. Why didn’t you join it?”
“Oh well, I just wanted to do some fitness.”
“By the way, did you get any offer from someone here—a man—to consume medicine to reduce the weight?”
“Oh yeah? How do you know such an offer?”
“Some of our friends have consumed it.” She answered.
“I see. Well, nobody offered me. Perhaps he thought that I am slim already?” I teased her. LOL.
“Oh, yeah, maybe.” She said.
“Or maybe because I have a frightening face so that nobody dared to offer me?”
“Oh well, not frightening I think. But, people respect you so that they feel a bit reluctant to offer you.”
I just smiled to hear that. Then, she left.
****
Well, it is not easy to offer me anything, I assure you. I will change when I want to change. I will use a product when I think I need to do that. I will buy a product when I need that.
And about being a victim of BEAUTY IS SLIM propaganda, well, I must say that sometimes I am one victim too. LOL. But I can control myself. Well, it is just like propaganda of BEAUTY IS WHITE, I am also one victim of it too. But it doesn’t mean that I will leave my swimming hobby, although I know it has really made my complexion much tanner than before I swam regularly. Besides, my blog (western) friends said that tan complexion is very exotic.
This patriarchal culture with its capitalism really sucks, doesn’t it? Especially to people who don’t’ have high confidence with their own appearance.
PT56 13.10 160607
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Women Employee
Some days ago I read in a national newspaper about police women who cannot reach a high position in their job only because they were born as female. Their female bodies are considered as the main weakness for them to do any assignment as police women. Many policemen don’t like to get policewomen as their partners to do one duty, let’s say, coz they say that their burden even will be doubled coz they don’t only think about their own safety, they have to protect their female partner as well. Some of them also complain that sometimes they will have to face the policewomen’s husbands’ jelousy when they have to do a task together. Policewomen, then, will only get desk jobs that often will make their career stop.
According to the article in that newspaper, more than 50% policewomen complain about that. They are in fact ready to do any assignment given to them—not only desk jobs. As policewomen, they used to get training some martial arts too to protect themselves so why their male partners complain about having to protect them?
It reminded me of a male friend of mine who works for a mining company in North Sulawesi, one big island in Indonesia. Some months ago he told me about a new female employee as his subworker. He complained coz he couldn’t give her any job coz she was a female. “I don’t have a heart to send her to a mining site in a forest, let’s say, coz it is a hard job for a woman. It is not an easy area to explore. I don’t have a heart either to send her to a mining site in another site where the weather is hot coz it will ruin her complexion. She will become dark due to that.”
Simply I responded, “Do you think she doesn’t know her risk to choose that kind of job? She must be ready to face any risk she gets in her job coz it is her own choice. Why don’t you just stop bothering yourself and just give her any duty she has to do; any duty you would give to a male subworker? Treat them equal.”
“It is easy for you to say that coz you are a feminist. You always want to be treated equally. I am not sure with her though,” he still complained.
“If she refuses, send her home. She is not ready to work for a mining company then. Tell her that she has made a wrong choice.”
Oh well, I forget to ask him whether my friend eventually gives the new female employee any duty, and whether she still goes on working there.
PT56 21.57 081006
According to the article in that newspaper, more than 50% policewomen complain about that. They are in fact ready to do any assignment given to them—not only desk jobs. As policewomen, they used to get training some martial arts too to protect themselves so why their male partners complain about having to protect them?
It reminded me of a male friend of mine who works for a mining company in North Sulawesi, one big island in Indonesia. Some months ago he told me about a new female employee as his subworker. He complained coz he couldn’t give her any job coz she was a female. “I don’t have a heart to send her to a mining site in a forest, let’s say, coz it is a hard job for a woman. It is not an easy area to explore. I don’t have a heart either to send her to a mining site in another site where the weather is hot coz it will ruin her complexion. She will become dark due to that.”
Simply I responded, “Do you think she doesn’t know her risk to choose that kind of job? She must be ready to face any risk she gets in her job coz it is her own choice. Why don’t you just stop bothering yourself and just give her any duty she has to do; any duty you would give to a male subworker? Treat them equal.”
“It is easy for you to say that coz you are a feminist. You always want to be treated equally. I am not sure with her though,” he still complained.
“If she refuses, send her home. She is not ready to work for a mining company then. Tell her that she has made a wrong choice.”
Oh well, I forget to ask him whether my friend eventually gives the new female employee any duty, and whether she still goes on working there.
PT56 21.57 081006
Friday, September 29, 2006
Naked Women versus Terrorists?
Have you ever heard the contradictory relationship between naked women and terrorists? One big ulema from hard-line fundamentalist Islamic organization in Indonesia stated that naked women are much more dangerous than terrorists.
Here is the contra statement from one famous feminist columnist in Indonesia.
Bombs, boobs, or bust: Choose your weapon!
Julia Suryakusuma, Jakarta
I read with a mix of amusement and relief Abu Bakar Ba'asyir's statement that Indonesian TV shows featuring scantily dressed women are more dangerous than the Bali bombs because they undermine public morality (The Jakarta Post, Sept. 20, 2006). Amusement, for obvious reasons, and relief as it would be a sad day indeed when bombs are considered more dangerous than half-nude women!
Relief also that the alleged spiritual leader of Jamaah Islamiyah and the head of Majelis Mujahidin Indonesia (MMI), a hard-line Islamic organization, is openly admitting his fear of women! Well, all powerful people have their Achilles heel, and his is hardly unique. In fact, fear of women has colored much of human history.
Historically -- and in most countries and cultures, it seems that men have tried to contain and repress women's sexual (and spiritual) power through religion and other forms of institutionalized power.
It's easy to think of examples: The burning of witches in Salem, purdah or the forced wearing of the veil, genital mutilation, putting a premium on girls' virginity, basing family honor on the sexual control of daughters and wives, exacting severe punishment for adultery (including stoning, legal in Iran), segregating girls and women from boys and men, and now in Indonesia, the enactment of Islamic inspired local ordinances that severely restrict women's mobility and freedoms.
And, if it's not repression, it's exploitation -- complementary forms of control and abuse -- where women -- adults and children -- are used for men's sexual gratification or profit through incest, rape, sexual harassment, battering, pornography and prostitution. Men create the demand and women have to provide the supply while at the same time being expected to embody virtue and morality. The hypocrisy is astounding, but it has been typical of the patriarchal religions that have molded most cultures of the world. It was not always that way, however.
In ancient Sumeria and Babylon, for example, the queen goddess was the center of the civilization. If she was not satisfied by the male of her choice, this was seen as a sign that the land would become infertile. Then, female sexuality was at the center of power, but now we have moved from cultures that celebrated feminine sexuality to ones that try to stigmatize it.
But they don't always succeed. I, for one, can derive a lot of pleasure -- and even power -- from my own sexuality. When I walk into a reception in a strappy, sexy, evening gown, cleavage showing (a little goes a long way!), long legs (even a bit of thigh -- horror of horrors!) flashing from the slits in my streaming, Barbie-style, red handkerchief dress, and my long black hair flowing, all eyes are on me.
It feels good! And it's fun, for both me and the spectators. As a former fashion model, I'm used to putting myself on display. It's just a show, as well as a form of art. They say that woman is a work of art -- God's work of art -- so I'm just displaying God's handiwork, am I not? Afterwards, I go home, take off my make-up and jewelry, put on a sexy nightie for my husband -- albeit briefly -- and be a ... um .... good wife to him. You can imagine!
It's all rather harmless really, so why does everyone get all excited and hot under the collar (and elsewhere) when it comes to sex? My question for Ba'asyir specifically is, how can he assert with such certainty that women have a powerfully corrupting influence, that "watching scantily clad women on television can destroy the faith of the believer"? (AFP, Sept. 20, 2006). Does he have extensive personal experience? If he does, then he's a hypocrite. If he doesn't, he should politely shut up and stick to matters he is more familiar with. Bombs maybe?
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, they say, and lust and depravity is in the heart and mind of the man. When he was meditating under the bodhi tree, Buddha was tempted by, among other things, naked women. Did he budge? Did he flinch? Was the focus of his meditation diverted? No, because his faith was strong and steadfast.
Morality comes from within. We live in a world fraught with temptations -- not just sexual -- so better start pumping your morality muscle! Ironically, Ba'asyir seems to be tacitly admitting that he and his ilk have dirty minds and little faith. Those who need guns to convert people to their belief probably don't even believe in God, because if they did they'd trust in Her alone to do the job. Would that not be the logical conclusion?
Why are people so uptight about nudity and sex, censoring it at every turn, yet so promiscuous about violence, which is truly vulgar and obscene? Hitler apparently was 'celibate' (i.e had problems getting it up), and we all know the horrors he caused. We live in a world that glorifies violence but if we glorified sex coupled with spirituality instead, we'd be all much better off.
Maybe Ba'asyir should expose himself more to female skin and roll around in the hay more, so to speak. Perhaps that might release some of the tension and nervous energy that seems to be causing him, and the Indonesian state, so much trouble. Hey, sex, power, politics -- they're all very closely related -- hence my book, "Sex, Power and Nation". Read it folks!
But not everything about Ba'asyir's statement is bad. Inadvertently, he gave me a brilliant idea about how to deal with Muslim terrorist hijackers. Rather than bother about complicated and frustrating security measures, airlines should simply eliminate all male attendants on flights and have only nude female space waiters. Since a nude woman is apparently something that completely offends potential Muslim terrorists, they will naturally avoid flying! In fact, maybe we should all run around nude and there would finally be peace in the world!
The writer is the author of Sex, Power and Nation. She can be contacted at
jsuryakusuma@mac.com or jskusuma@dnet.net.id
Luckily Julia Suryakusuma could make fun of Ba’asyir’s ridiculous and abusive statement. ME? I need some days to take a breath to control myself not to get mad. LOL.
PT56 23.04 280906
Here is the contra statement from one famous feminist columnist in Indonesia.
Bombs, boobs, or bust: Choose your weapon!
Julia Suryakusuma, Jakarta
I read with a mix of amusement and relief Abu Bakar Ba'asyir's statement that Indonesian TV shows featuring scantily dressed women are more dangerous than the Bali bombs because they undermine public morality (The Jakarta Post, Sept. 20, 2006). Amusement, for obvious reasons, and relief as it would be a sad day indeed when bombs are considered more dangerous than half-nude women!
Relief also that the alleged spiritual leader of Jamaah Islamiyah and the head of Majelis Mujahidin Indonesia (MMI), a hard-line Islamic organization, is openly admitting his fear of women! Well, all powerful people have their Achilles heel, and his is hardly unique. In fact, fear of women has colored much of human history.
Historically -- and in most countries and cultures, it seems that men have tried to contain and repress women's sexual (and spiritual) power through religion and other forms of institutionalized power.
It's easy to think of examples: The burning of witches in Salem, purdah or the forced wearing of the veil, genital mutilation, putting a premium on girls' virginity, basing family honor on the sexual control of daughters and wives, exacting severe punishment for adultery (including stoning, legal in Iran), segregating girls and women from boys and men, and now in Indonesia, the enactment of Islamic inspired local ordinances that severely restrict women's mobility and freedoms.
And, if it's not repression, it's exploitation -- complementary forms of control and abuse -- where women -- adults and children -- are used for men's sexual gratification or profit through incest, rape, sexual harassment, battering, pornography and prostitution. Men create the demand and women have to provide the supply while at the same time being expected to embody virtue and morality. The hypocrisy is astounding, but it has been typical of the patriarchal religions that have molded most cultures of the world. It was not always that way, however.
In ancient Sumeria and Babylon, for example, the queen goddess was the center of the civilization. If she was not satisfied by the male of her choice, this was seen as a sign that the land would become infertile. Then, female sexuality was at the center of power, but now we have moved from cultures that celebrated feminine sexuality to ones that try to stigmatize it.
But they don't always succeed. I, for one, can derive a lot of pleasure -- and even power -- from my own sexuality. When I walk into a reception in a strappy, sexy, evening gown, cleavage showing (a little goes a long way!), long legs (even a bit of thigh -- horror of horrors!) flashing from the slits in my streaming, Barbie-style, red handkerchief dress, and my long black hair flowing, all eyes are on me.
It feels good! And it's fun, for both me and the spectators. As a former fashion model, I'm used to putting myself on display. It's just a show, as well as a form of art. They say that woman is a work of art -- God's work of art -- so I'm just displaying God's handiwork, am I not? Afterwards, I go home, take off my make-up and jewelry, put on a sexy nightie for my husband -- albeit briefly -- and be a ... um .... good wife to him. You can imagine!
It's all rather harmless really, so why does everyone get all excited and hot under the collar (and elsewhere) when it comes to sex? My question for Ba'asyir specifically is, how can he assert with such certainty that women have a powerfully corrupting influence, that "watching scantily clad women on television can destroy the faith of the believer"? (AFP, Sept. 20, 2006). Does he have extensive personal experience? If he does, then he's a hypocrite. If he doesn't, he should politely shut up and stick to matters he is more familiar with. Bombs maybe?
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, they say, and lust and depravity is in the heart and mind of the man. When he was meditating under the bodhi tree, Buddha was tempted by, among other things, naked women. Did he budge? Did he flinch? Was the focus of his meditation diverted? No, because his faith was strong and steadfast.
Morality comes from within. We live in a world fraught with temptations -- not just sexual -- so better start pumping your morality muscle! Ironically, Ba'asyir seems to be tacitly admitting that he and his ilk have dirty minds and little faith. Those who need guns to convert people to their belief probably don't even believe in God, because if they did they'd trust in Her alone to do the job. Would that not be the logical conclusion?
Why are people so uptight about nudity and sex, censoring it at every turn, yet so promiscuous about violence, which is truly vulgar and obscene? Hitler apparently was 'celibate' (i.e had problems getting it up), and we all know the horrors he caused. We live in a world that glorifies violence but if we glorified sex coupled with spirituality instead, we'd be all much better off.
Maybe Ba'asyir should expose himself more to female skin and roll around in the hay more, so to speak. Perhaps that might release some of the tension and nervous energy that seems to be causing him, and the Indonesian state, so much trouble. Hey, sex, power, politics -- they're all very closely related -- hence my book, "Sex, Power and Nation". Read it folks!
But not everything about Ba'asyir's statement is bad. Inadvertently, he gave me a brilliant idea about how to deal with Muslim terrorist hijackers. Rather than bother about complicated and frustrating security measures, airlines should simply eliminate all male attendants on flights and have only nude female space waiters. Since a nude woman is apparently something that completely offends potential Muslim terrorists, they will naturally avoid flying! In fact, maybe we should all run around nude and there would finally be peace in the world!
The writer is the author of Sex, Power and Nation. She can be contacted at
jsuryakusuma@mac.com or jskusuma@dnet.net.id
Luckily Julia Suryakusuma could make fun of Ba’asyir’s ridiculous and abusive statement. ME? I need some days to take a breath to control myself not to get mad. LOL.
PT56 23.04 280906
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Nosy ... nosy ... nosy ...
It was September 13, 2006 6.45 pm when Angie and I entered a food stall. The stall was not crowded. I only saw four people—two men and two women—in one table located in the middle of the room, and another pair in the right corner of the room. The room was not brightly lighted so the atmosphere was quite romantic to me. Angie chose to sit in the left corner of the room, a small table enough only for two people.
After the waitres came, Angie chose one portion of chicken steak with cappuccino milkshake, and I chose one portion of fried noodle with a glass of orange juice.
We didn’t wait for a long time for the order to come. We enjoyed our meals while Angie told me her experience at school, and I told her about my day at the office.
After we finished, Angie asked me to go home soon, and not lingering there. Before leaving, I went to the cashier to pay. The cashier greeted me politely, “Is that your daughter?”
“Yes, she used to study in the junior high school across the street from here. That’s why she knows this food stall.”
*****
Arriving home around 7.45pm, annoyedly Angie asked me whether I paid attention to the four people sitting in the middle of the room of the food stall. I didn’t. She continued complaining, “The two women looked at me curiously as if I were a bad girl. Their eyes were like police’s eyes looking into criminals! It must have been coz I am still wearing this school uniform. They must have accused me as hanging around after school instead of going home directly.”
It reminded me of the cashier’s polite question, “Is she your daughter?” Did she also share the same idea of the two woman looking at Angie curiously?
This was our second experience to drop by in a food stall around that time with Angie’s wearing school uniform. In the first experience, Angie complained too with some people’s looking at her curiously and then looked at the badge of her school.
To calm her, I said, “Honey, I am your mother. You are hanging around at this hour with me. And we directly dropped by here from your English course coz it was more practical rather than we go home first, you exchange your dress and then we go out again. Don’t really care to what other people think about us. And as your mother I know exactly what you have been doing since morning. And you know what you are doing. Don’t care what the hell they are thinking about us.”
“But Mom, don’t blame me if that judgmental look from those nosy guys bothers me.”
“Fine. But don’t think of it too much, okay? Remember, we are what we think, we are what we do, and not what other people think, not what other people accuse.”
Suddenly the telephone rang. Angie quickly went out of the bedroom to answer the call. Not long after that, I could hear her cheerful voice talking to her friend by phone.
This sucking society, with those sucking judgmental people... And they are my fellow citizens in Indonesia. :(
And when I told my workmates about this experience, they in fact, also shared the same idea with those fellow citizens of mine. LOL. They find it weird too to see students still wearing their school uniform in the evening.
Perhaps I am too ignorant. Perhaps coz I adored Emerson’s idea of nonconformity in the wrong place. LOL. It is coz I am a rebellious creature. LOL.
PT56 23.13 140906
After the waitres came, Angie chose one portion of chicken steak with cappuccino milkshake, and I chose one portion of fried noodle with a glass of orange juice.
We didn’t wait for a long time for the order to come. We enjoyed our meals while Angie told me her experience at school, and I told her about my day at the office.
After we finished, Angie asked me to go home soon, and not lingering there. Before leaving, I went to the cashier to pay. The cashier greeted me politely, “Is that your daughter?”
“Yes, she used to study in the junior high school across the street from here. That’s why she knows this food stall.”
*****
Arriving home around 7.45pm, annoyedly Angie asked me whether I paid attention to the four people sitting in the middle of the room of the food stall. I didn’t. She continued complaining, “The two women looked at me curiously as if I were a bad girl. Their eyes were like police’s eyes looking into criminals! It must have been coz I am still wearing this school uniform. They must have accused me as hanging around after school instead of going home directly.”
It reminded me of the cashier’s polite question, “Is she your daughter?” Did she also share the same idea of the two woman looking at Angie curiously?
This was our second experience to drop by in a food stall around that time with Angie’s wearing school uniform. In the first experience, Angie complained too with some people’s looking at her curiously and then looked at the badge of her school.
To calm her, I said, “Honey, I am your mother. You are hanging around at this hour with me. And we directly dropped by here from your English course coz it was more practical rather than we go home first, you exchange your dress and then we go out again. Don’t really care to what other people think about us. And as your mother I know exactly what you have been doing since morning. And you know what you are doing. Don’t care what the hell they are thinking about us.”
“But Mom, don’t blame me if that judgmental look from those nosy guys bothers me.”
“Fine. But don’t think of it too much, okay? Remember, we are what we think, we are what we do, and not what other people think, not what other people accuse.”
Suddenly the telephone rang. Angie quickly went out of the bedroom to answer the call. Not long after that, I could hear her cheerful voice talking to her friend by phone.
This sucking society, with those sucking judgmental people... And they are my fellow citizens in Indonesia. :(
And when I told my workmates about this experience, they in fact, also shared the same idea with those fellow citizens of mine. LOL. They find it weird too to see students still wearing their school uniform in the evening.
Perhaps I am too ignorant. Perhaps coz I adored Emerson’s idea of nonconformity in the wrong place. LOL. It is coz I am a rebellious creature. LOL.
PT56 23.13 140906
Monday, September 11, 2006
A nosy male in the nosy society
One female workmate of mine—her initial is A—is married to a guy who is nine years younger than she is. (A is 37 years old now.) A graduated has bachelor’s degree while her husband only graduated from senior high school. And they come from different social class, A is from a middle class family while her husband comes from a low class family. This couple really becomes a very good example to “break” society’s consensus that men must have “more” things than their life partners—older, higher educational background, richer, not to mention taller (in physical feature), you name the other things.
Fortunately (or unfortunately?) I have a male workmate who is really nosy, who always thinks that to be happy in this life, someone must follow that unwritten consensus I mentioned above. His initial is R.
Two years ago, when my workmates and I attended A’s wedding party, R showed his disappointment of A’s choice. “This marriage will not last long.” I remember he said so. And he suspected that A married that guy only coz she wanted to get rid of “unwanted old spinster” stigma soon. After that, in the office, sometimes R nosily asked A, “Are you sure you can satisfy your hubby in bed?” Since I hated to hear that question, I directly responded, “Don’t you ever know that women in their middle thirties reach the peak of their sexuality? Her husband in his age is the best partner to do that.” LOL. I know R felt bothered with my response coz in his eyes, I have become a weird creature since I resumed my study in American Studies Graduate Program. LOL. Therefore, he didn’t give comment on my response.
Some weeks later, R asked A again, “Have you known how to satisfy your hubby in bed?” Wittily, A responded, “Oh well, you know he is the one who has been searching the best way how to satisfy me; and not on the way around.” LOL. Annoyed, R said, “Don’t get close to Nana. She will poison you.” LOL.
Yesterday A told me about her difficulty to wake up during the night to take care of her one-year-old baby when she is awake. Her husband does that. A cheerfully told me about that, without feeling burdened. (NOTE: the stereotyping in the patriarchal society, children must be closer to the mother rather than the father, the mother must spend more time to take care of the children, and not the father. If not, society will easily consider the mother as irresponsible woman.) And I supported her by telling her that it is okay to share the duties to take care of the children with her husband.
The nosy R who overheard this immediately commented, “Hey, don’t you want to get God’s blessing? How could you let your husband do your duties as a woman?” I sternly responded, “Oh you know, God decides who God will give blessings, and not human beings do that. Don’t be a wise guy.”
I remember some time ago when A told me about her husband’s cooking while she “played” with her baby, R commented a similar thing, “Cooking is supposed to be the wife’s duties in the household chores, and not the husband’s.” When A’s husband does that happily, why should R complain?
I believe there are really many other similar bossy men here in Indonesia, and perhaps in many other countries too???
PT56 11.00 120906
Fortunately (or unfortunately?) I have a male workmate who is really nosy, who always thinks that to be happy in this life, someone must follow that unwritten consensus I mentioned above. His initial is R.
Two years ago, when my workmates and I attended A’s wedding party, R showed his disappointment of A’s choice. “This marriage will not last long.” I remember he said so. And he suspected that A married that guy only coz she wanted to get rid of “unwanted old spinster” stigma soon. After that, in the office, sometimes R nosily asked A, “Are you sure you can satisfy your hubby in bed?” Since I hated to hear that question, I directly responded, “Don’t you ever know that women in their middle thirties reach the peak of their sexuality? Her husband in his age is the best partner to do that.” LOL. I know R felt bothered with my response coz in his eyes, I have become a weird creature since I resumed my study in American Studies Graduate Program. LOL. Therefore, he didn’t give comment on my response.
Some weeks later, R asked A again, “Have you known how to satisfy your hubby in bed?” Wittily, A responded, “Oh well, you know he is the one who has been searching the best way how to satisfy me; and not on the way around.” LOL. Annoyed, R said, “Don’t get close to Nana. She will poison you.” LOL.
Yesterday A told me about her difficulty to wake up during the night to take care of her one-year-old baby when she is awake. Her husband does that. A cheerfully told me about that, without feeling burdened. (NOTE: the stereotyping in the patriarchal society, children must be closer to the mother rather than the father, the mother must spend more time to take care of the children, and not the father. If not, society will easily consider the mother as irresponsible woman.) And I supported her by telling her that it is okay to share the duties to take care of the children with her husband.
The nosy R who overheard this immediately commented, “Hey, don’t you want to get God’s blessing? How could you let your husband do your duties as a woman?” I sternly responded, “Oh you know, God decides who God will give blessings, and not human beings do that. Don’t be a wise guy.”
I remember some time ago when A told me about her husband’s cooking while she “played” with her baby, R commented a similar thing, “Cooking is supposed to be the wife’s duties in the household chores, and not the husband’s.” When A’s husband does that happily, why should R complain?
I believe there are really many other similar bossy men here in Indonesia, and perhaps in many other countries too???
PT56 11.00 120906
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Getting Period 2
I got period for the first time at a relatively young age, 11 years old. I had heard about women getting menstruation from some subjects I got at school. (I went to Islamic elementary school, so I got some Islamic subjects, such as fiqh, tauhid, etc.) However, I didn’t know a lot about it, except that women are considered dirty when getting menstruation so that after the menstruation is over, they must take full shower to clean themselves, so that they become clean again and they are ready to do some Islamic teachings; such as praying five times a day, fasting, and reciting Alquran.
When the first time I got it, I got very shocked. One morning when I woke up, and prepared myself to pray Subuh (one pray done by Muslim in the early morning, before the sun rises), my mom came to me and prohibited me to do it. It made me very nervous and worried coz before that, my parents usually did on the way around, they would scold me if I didn’t pray. Why the hell on the way around then? Then my mom told me the reason. “You got what is called as menstruation. You are not supposed to pray.” Still, it didn’t really make me relieved.
Realizing blood suddenly came out of my private area absolutely made me very uncomfortable. Knowing that not many classmates of mine had experienced it (except some who were older than I was), made me more insecure. I was bloody embarrassed if my classmates knew about it. On the same day when I want back from school, the housemaid in my house said to me, “you must watch out now that you already get menstruation.” With a very serious facial expression. She really made me scared with that. Why do I have to watch out myself? What’s wrong with me with this so-called menstruation that made some blood coming out of my body while I didn’t feel anything wrong inside? Wearing sanitary napkin inside my panties of course made my movement uncomfortable.
Later on, I found out why that housemaid said such a thing to me. A girl who has got menstruation can get pregnant if she happens to get laid, and to get pregnant out of wedlock is something very embarrassing in Indonesia. And since that housemaid was not an educated person, she couldn’t explain it to me logically but scared me. And my mom didn’t know how worried and nervous I was at that time.
To avoid similar uncomfortable things happened to Angie, I talked a lot about this: menstruation is something that will always happen to women, it happens naturally, no need to be panicky, just accept it naturally too of course, coz there is nothing wrong actually, just monthly cycle inside women’s bodies.
My complaint is: when it is something natural, and there is oftentimes possibility for women to suffer from stomachache when they get menstruation, why many people make some unwise policy related to jobs especially where the policy just make women more marginalized?
e.g.: women are not supposed to be a leader coz they get period every month. The reason is: how if something very urgent happens and the leader needs to do something to handle it while at that time the female leader get stomachache due to menstruation.
Guys, we don’t choose to be born as creatures to get period and consequently we get stomachache sometimes. Why should you punish us with that so-called policy?
PT56 23.40 300806
When the first time I got it, I got very shocked. One morning when I woke up, and prepared myself to pray Subuh (one pray done by Muslim in the early morning, before the sun rises), my mom came to me and prohibited me to do it. It made me very nervous and worried coz before that, my parents usually did on the way around, they would scold me if I didn’t pray. Why the hell on the way around then? Then my mom told me the reason. “You got what is called as menstruation. You are not supposed to pray.” Still, it didn’t really make me relieved.
Realizing blood suddenly came out of my private area absolutely made me very uncomfortable. Knowing that not many classmates of mine had experienced it (except some who were older than I was), made me more insecure. I was bloody embarrassed if my classmates knew about it. On the same day when I want back from school, the housemaid in my house said to me, “you must watch out now that you already get menstruation.” With a very serious facial expression. She really made me scared with that. Why do I have to watch out myself? What’s wrong with me with this so-called menstruation that made some blood coming out of my body while I didn’t feel anything wrong inside? Wearing sanitary napkin inside my panties of course made my movement uncomfortable.
Later on, I found out why that housemaid said such a thing to me. A girl who has got menstruation can get pregnant if she happens to get laid, and to get pregnant out of wedlock is something very embarrassing in Indonesia. And since that housemaid was not an educated person, she couldn’t explain it to me logically but scared me. And my mom didn’t know how worried and nervous I was at that time.
To avoid similar uncomfortable things happened to Angie, I talked a lot about this: menstruation is something that will always happen to women, it happens naturally, no need to be panicky, just accept it naturally too of course, coz there is nothing wrong actually, just monthly cycle inside women’s bodies.
My complaint is: when it is something natural, and there is oftentimes possibility for women to suffer from stomachache when they get menstruation, why many people make some unwise policy related to jobs especially where the policy just make women more marginalized?
e.g.: women are not supposed to be a leader coz they get period every month. The reason is: how if something very urgent happens and the leader needs to do something to handle it while at that time the female leader get stomachache due to menstruation.
Guys, we don’t choose to be born as creatures to get period and consequently we get stomachache sometimes. Why should you punish us with that so-called policy?
PT56 23.40 300806
Friday, August 11, 2006
Enlightenment?
Many years ago, Angie’s dad had a friend who changed from being a secular into a religious and saying that he already got ‘enlightenment’. In this case, he was 180 degrees contradictory to me coz I would say exactly on the way around. LOL. From the ‘enlightenment’ he got, he found out that women are domestic creatures while men are public ones. Therefore, he never let his wife go out of the house without him accompanying her coz it was a big sin.
One day I went to his house coz I needed to have Angie’s school uniform made. FYI, he was a tailor. After Angie and I arrived there, he directly asked me to enter the dining room coz the living room was for men. He “preached” to Angie’s dad at that time, “Nana is from a very religious family so that it is easy for her to accept such a rule (read women are domestic and men are public so that they are not supposed to be in the same room). It is different from my wife, it is quite difficult to ‘educate’ her about this religious teachings.”
What a hell … LOL.
And of course, he is ABSOLUTELY WRONG.
PT56 21.21 080806
One day I went to his house coz I needed to have Angie’s school uniform made. FYI, he was a tailor. After Angie and I arrived there, he directly asked me to enter the dining room coz the living room was for men. He “preached” to Angie’s dad at that time, “Nana is from a very religious family so that it is easy for her to accept such a rule (read women are domestic and men are public so that they are not supposed to be in the same room). It is different from my wife, it is quite difficult to ‘educate’ her about this religious teachings.”
What a hell … LOL.
And of course, he is ABSOLUTELY WRONG.
PT56 21.21 080806
Monday, July 31, 2006
Student Dress Code
Once again another mayor of a town decrees that all female high school students in the town should wear long skirts. There a re a number of compelling reasons why such a decree by a regional official should be rejected outright.
Student dress code should not be determined by a town mayor. If any mayor who is so inclined cab willy nilly impose his will, ideas and standard of morality, where will it all end? The female students of different towns will be dressed in a manner dependent on the whim of the local mayor.
Arif Sirajuddin believes that a male’s unwanted attention and immorality of young women are determined by the length of a skirt. In civilized societies females wearing modern, modest and practical clothes do not attract unwanted attention from the opposite sex. Furthermore long skirts have no bearing whatsoever on the morality or lack thereof the wearers.
It is truly tragic that many a man puts the blame of immorality, sexual permissiveness and lewdness on the female. These men never think that perhaps the menfolk actually are the ones that need to learn to control their behavior and be respectful to women.
It is never acceptable to harass, even to leer at or let alone attack women just because they wear garments that are not to the liking of the oversexed men. Parents, teachers and religious leaders must instill this truism in their charges. The head of the local high school principals association, Saleh Rugaya, even goes so far as stating that long skirts will reduce crime rates and sexual harassment. (I’m in agreement that students wearing long skirts are not likely to commit petty crimes because they can hardly avoid capture!)
Local representative of the Department of Education, Muhammad Asmin, sates that policy is to apply to all secondary schools, state-run and private, Islamic as well as non-Islamic.
One can’t help thinking that the real motivation behind this absurd ruling (just like another mayor’s ruling that elementary school pupils cannot attend secondary schools unless they can read the Koran) is the forced imposition of Islamic ideals on non-Muslims.
It is high time the central government stops the introduction of bylaws and regulations that are absurd, impractical, prejudicial to non-Muslims and definitely contrary to the laws of the land, including the Indonesian Constitution.
From YOUR LETTERS of THE JAKARTA POST Thursday July 27, 2006, written by Paul E. Rantau from Singapore.
Student dress code should not be determined by a town mayor. If any mayor who is so inclined cab willy nilly impose his will, ideas and standard of morality, where will it all end? The female students of different towns will be dressed in a manner dependent on the whim of the local mayor.
Arif Sirajuddin believes that a male’s unwanted attention and immorality of young women are determined by the length of a skirt. In civilized societies females wearing modern, modest and practical clothes do not attract unwanted attention from the opposite sex. Furthermore long skirts have no bearing whatsoever on the morality or lack thereof the wearers.
It is truly tragic that many a man puts the blame of immorality, sexual permissiveness and lewdness on the female. These men never think that perhaps the menfolk actually are the ones that need to learn to control their behavior and be respectful to women.
It is never acceptable to harass, even to leer at or let alone attack women just because they wear garments that are not to the liking of the oversexed men. Parents, teachers and religious leaders must instill this truism in their charges. The head of the local high school principals association, Saleh Rugaya, even goes so far as stating that long skirts will reduce crime rates and sexual harassment. (I’m in agreement that students wearing long skirts are not likely to commit petty crimes because they can hardly avoid capture!)
Local representative of the Department of Education, Muhammad Asmin, sates that policy is to apply to all secondary schools, state-run and private, Islamic as well as non-Islamic.
One can’t help thinking that the real motivation behind this absurd ruling (just like another mayor’s ruling that elementary school pupils cannot attend secondary schools unless they can read the Koran) is the forced imposition of Islamic ideals on non-Muslims.
It is high time the central government stops the introduction of bylaws and regulations that are absurd, impractical, prejudicial to non-Muslims and definitely contrary to the laws of the land, including the Indonesian Constitution.
From YOUR LETTERS of THE JAKARTA POST Thursday July 27, 2006, written by Paul E. Rantau from Singapore.
School Uniform
In Indonesia students of kindergarten, elementary school, junior high school and senior high school have to wear uniform to go to school.
When I was in elementary school, 1974-1980, I remember each school had their own policy to decide the style, the color of the uniform and the days to wear the certain uniform. In July 1980 when I started my junior high, I still wore the different color of the uniform for my school. People could easily recognize someone as a student of a certain school from the color of the uniform, without seeing the badge of the school
In 1981, the government started to apply a policy that decided the color of the uniform for each level. Elementary school students had to wear white shirt and red skirt/shorts. Junior high school students had to wear white shirt and black blue skirt/shorts. Senior high school students had to wear white shirt and sky blue/trousers. This policy was mostly applied in state schools. Private schools were free to decide for their own students.
The main reason why students have to wear uniform to go to school, in my opinion, is to reduce the gap between the haves and the haves-not. Rich or poor, the students wear the same kind of clothes, the color, the style, and also the material when going to school. Parents do not need to provide many clothes for the children to go to school. Perhaps wearing uniform will also make the students look neat so that the teachers will be happy to see it. LOL.
In fact, the school also has a rule how long the skirt is for the girls; but not now long/short for the shorts and the trousers for boys. LOL. For the girls, their skirt must be 5-7cm under the knees. I remember during my first days in senior high school, my schoolmates mocked me for wearing such a “too long” skirt, coz following the rule. They said, “That girl is wearing her mother’s skirt.” LOL. And as a rule, teenagers listen to what their friends say more than what their parents say. LOL. It made me argue with my mom. She insisted that I follow the rule, while I felt embarrassed to go to school. At last, I hemmed my skirts by myself after I won the arguments with my mom. LOL.
Some weeks ago when taking Angie to a tailor to have her school uniform made, I didn’t find any difficult situation. Angie agreed with me to have her skirt made 5 cm under her knees, and for the sleeves 5 cm above the elbow. However, when taking the uniform, Angie complained to me coz the skirt was too long, and sleeves were too long too. She pleaded to me, “Mom, my friends will laugh at me wearing this too big skirt and shirt!!” I remember my own experience in 1983, LOL. I gave in. LOL. I asked the tailor to fix it as what Angie wanted.
Recently, many serials on television made by local producers showing the story of teenager life. The characters in those serials usually wear a knee-long skirt, and shirt with very short sleeves. I seldom watch television so I don’t realize how big the impact of this phenomenon. In order to look “modern”, students love to imitate the way the “students” in the serials get dressed. And in order to follow the trend, Angie begged me to listen to her pathetically. LOL. And as a democratic mother, I always open a healthy discussion with Angie and we will find the way out together.
However, since we live in a community where people judge other people only by the clothes, sometimes, I know people will easily judge the students to wear such “modern” style of the uniform as “immoral” ones. I must say that sometimes I am fed up with this “fossilized” way of thinking of people—reducing women only as a pile of flesh and bones.
With so many people still have this way of thinking in Indonesia, I am wondering when people will fairly see a woman. In academic situation, of course it is not appropriate to view women only from the skin, it must be from the inside of her brain. In “beauty pageant” situation, perhaps it is appropriate to view women highly only from the way they get dressed and their outer performance. LOL.
PT56 18.55 300706
When I was in elementary school, 1974-1980, I remember each school had their own policy to decide the style, the color of the uniform and the days to wear the certain uniform. In July 1980 when I started my junior high, I still wore the different color of the uniform for my school. People could easily recognize someone as a student of a certain school from the color of the uniform, without seeing the badge of the school
In 1981, the government started to apply a policy that decided the color of the uniform for each level. Elementary school students had to wear white shirt and red skirt/shorts. Junior high school students had to wear white shirt and black blue skirt/shorts. Senior high school students had to wear white shirt and sky blue/trousers. This policy was mostly applied in state schools. Private schools were free to decide for their own students.
The main reason why students have to wear uniform to go to school, in my opinion, is to reduce the gap between the haves and the haves-not. Rich or poor, the students wear the same kind of clothes, the color, the style, and also the material when going to school. Parents do not need to provide many clothes for the children to go to school. Perhaps wearing uniform will also make the students look neat so that the teachers will be happy to see it. LOL.
In fact, the school also has a rule how long the skirt is for the girls; but not now long/short for the shorts and the trousers for boys. LOL. For the girls, their skirt must be 5-7cm under the knees. I remember during my first days in senior high school, my schoolmates mocked me for wearing such a “too long” skirt, coz following the rule. They said, “That girl is wearing her mother’s skirt.” LOL. And as a rule, teenagers listen to what their friends say more than what their parents say. LOL. It made me argue with my mom. She insisted that I follow the rule, while I felt embarrassed to go to school. At last, I hemmed my skirts by myself after I won the arguments with my mom. LOL.
Some weeks ago when taking Angie to a tailor to have her school uniform made, I didn’t find any difficult situation. Angie agreed with me to have her skirt made 5 cm under her knees, and for the sleeves 5 cm above the elbow. However, when taking the uniform, Angie complained to me coz the skirt was too long, and sleeves were too long too. She pleaded to me, “Mom, my friends will laugh at me wearing this too big skirt and shirt!!” I remember my own experience in 1983, LOL. I gave in. LOL. I asked the tailor to fix it as what Angie wanted.
Recently, many serials on television made by local producers showing the story of teenager life. The characters in those serials usually wear a knee-long skirt, and shirt with very short sleeves. I seldom watch television so I don’t realize how big the impact of this phenomenon. In order to look “modern”, students love to imitate the way the “students” in the serials get dressed. And in order to follow the trend, Angie begged me to listen to her pathetically. LOL. And as a democratic mother, I always open a healthy discussion with Angie and we will find the way out together.
However, since we live in a community where people judge other people only by the clothes, sometimes, I know people will easily judge the students to wear such “modern” style of the uniform as “immoral” ones. I must say that sometimes I am fed up with this “fossilized” way of thinking of people—reducing women only as a pile of flesh and bones.
With so many people still have this way of thinking in Indonesia, I am wondering when people will fairly see a woman. In academic situation, of course it is not appropriate to view women only from the skin, it must be from the inside of her brain. In “beauty pageant” situation, perhaps it is appropriate to view women highly only from the way they get dressed and their outer performance. LOL.
PT56 18.55 300706
Gatherings
I just read an article in a local newspaper about some women who are “crazy” for joining any gathering. The main reason is that they need to socialize with other people. Other benefits to such activity are they will get more friends—in some certain time friends can be like family members--, they will get more business clients, and sometimes they also can get financial aid.
In Indonesia, especially in the scale of neighborhood, it is very common for women to have such a gathering. And it is especially for women who have got married. They meet once a month in one member’s house. Some things they usually do are (1) collecting some money; after the money is collected, they will do lucky draw to decide who will get the money, (2) the head of the neighborhood will give some information related to the need of the housewives, sometimes it is related to the welfare of the toddlers, (3) some neighborhood gatherings have cooperatives that offer the members to rent some money or some daily needs (such as rice, sugar, flour, frying oil, etc.)
This kind of gathering is for married women, and I recognize that in this community women are no longer addressed using their own names, they already become “Mrs. X”. I read it as the “killing of the old self of women”.
Such gathering also happens in many companies. Again, mostly this is for the wives. The husbands work in the companies, the wives get to know each other via this gathering.
Once, a private student of mine who joined a fitness center told me that she and her gym friends also have such gatherings. And from the article I read this morning, I found out that there are many other kinds of gatherings—mostly have women as the members.
When I was a kid, I didn’t find it strange to see my mother attending such gatherings. I saw it as a “normal” thing to do. She has four children, a fulltime housewife, and she had one housemaid at home. Absolutely she had some free time to do that. Besides, I also saw it as she did some social jobs, such as visiting the orphanage and the house for the elderly with her gathering friends, etc.
After I got married and my mom forced to join one gathering in our neighborhood, I realized that in fact I felt reluctant to do that. With the neighbors calling me as “Mrs. X”, I felt more unease. I had to lose my old self as single Nana. Besides, different from my mom who is a fulltime housewife, I am an employee. With my teaching schedules mostly done in the evening, I often couldn’t join the gathering. And in fact, it aroused a new problem, at least for me, the neighbors started to “see me differently” as someone very busy. They mostly still stick to the old principle of course that women’s place is at home, if a woman works, she had better not do it until late; women are not supposed to work until evening, coz evenings are time for the family. Some neighbors started to “greet” me, “Always busy, eh? Much money then? What if your husband is not satisfied with your being busy like that?” bla bla bla … It made me feel they violated my rights to work, and also to do any other thing to my heart’s content, as long as I don’t harm other people. What did they know about my life?
So, instead of seeing such gathering as beneficial, I saw it as something useless. Some members tend to gossip about the other members. Sometimes it got worse by making the members ‘categorized’ into some groups; one group dislike the others and vice versa. Some members tend to show off what they have to the others.
One workmate of mine who got married some years ago and started to live in a rented house in one neighborhood and join such gathering there also felt fed up with it. “It is very useless for me to join such a gathering.” She said to me some weeks ago. However, she still remembered that her mother warned her to join such a gathering coz “It is very beneficial.” But she didn’t see the benefits for herself.
For fulltime housewives, perhaps it is a good thing to do. For employees, like my workmate and me, we already socialize with our workmates, with our students, private students, so we no longer need to spare some time to attend the meetings of such gatherings in the neighborhood. We still can be good neighbors without joining it, as long as we don’t do any harm to the others.
PT56 18.09 300706
In Indonesia, especially in the scale of neighborhood, it is very common for women to have such a gathering. And it is especially for women who have got married. They meet once a month in one member’s house. Some things they usually do are (1) collecting some money; after the money is collected, they will do lucky draw to decide who will get the money, (2) the head of the neighborhood will give some information related to the need of the housewives, sometimes it is related to the welfare of the toddlers, (3) some neighborhood gatherings have cooperatives that offer the members to rent some money or some daily needs (such as rice, sugar, flour, frying oil, etc.)
This kind of gathering is for married women, and I recognize that in this community women are no longer addressed using their own names, they already become “Mrs. X”. I read it as the “killing of the old self of women”.
Such gathering also happens in many companies. Again, mostly this is for the wives. The husbands work in the companies, the wives get to know each other via this gathering.
Once, a private student of mine who joined a fitness center told me that she and her gym friends also have such gatherings. And from the article I read this morning, I found out that there are many other kinds of gatherings—mostly have women as the members.
When I was a kid, I didn’t find it strange to see my mother attending such gatherings. I saw it as a “normal” thing to do. She has four children, a fulltime housewife, and she had one housemaid at home. Absolutely she had some free time to do that. Besides, I also saw it as she did some social jobs, such as visiting the orphanage and the house for the elderly with her gathering friends, etc.
After I got married and my mom forced to join one gathering in our neighborhood, I realized that in fact I felt reluctant to do that. With the neighbors calling me as “Mrs. X”, I felt more unease. I had to lose my old self as single Nana. Besides, different from my mom who is a fulltime housewife, I am an employee. With my teaching schedules mostly done in the evening, I often couldn’t join the gathering. And in fact, it aroused a new problem, at least for me, the neighbors started to “see me differently” as someone very busy. They mostly still stick to the old principle of course that women’s place is at home, if a woman works, she had better not do it until late; women are not supposed to work until evening, coz evenings are time for the family. Some neighbors started to “greet” me, “Always busy, eh? Much money then? What if your husband is not satisfied with your being busy like that?” bla bla bla … It made me feel they violated my rights to work, and also to do any other thing to my heart’s content, as long as I don’t harm other people. What did they know about my life?
So, instead of seeing such gathering as beneficial, I saw it as something useless. Some members tend to gossip about the other members. Sometimes it got worse by making the members ‘categorized’ into some groups; one group dislike the others and vice versa. Some members tend to show off what they have to the others.
One workmate of mine who got married some years ago and started to live in a rented house in one neighborhood and join such gathering there also felt fed up with it. “It is very useless for me to join such a gathering.” She said to me some weeks ago. However, she still remembered that her mother warned her to join such a gathering coz “It is very beneficial.” But she didn’t see the benefits for herself.
For fulltime housewives, perhaps it is a good thing to do. For employees, like my workmate and me, we already socialize with our workmates, with our students, private students, so we no longer need to spare some time to attend the meetings of such gatherings in the neighborhood. We still can be good neighbors without joining it, as long as we don’t do any harm to the others.
PT56 18.09 300706
Thursday, July 27, 2006
The Patriarchal Culture
After Angie became a teenager these recent years, I recognized that she often looks uncomfortable when we are going somewhere and guys take a look at us. She often rushes me to leave a certain place when she recognizes that a guy or a group of guys take a look at us.
Some hours ago, we just had dinner in one food stall. A group of four guys sat nearby. I never give a damn to any guy looking at me. Perhaps coz I have problems with my poor eyesight (I am very lazy to wear my glasses when I am not in front of the computer) so that I don’t have a good look at people around me. I cannot recognize then whether they look at me abusively or just curiously. Therefore, it often makes me ignorant to people around when I am in public places. However, I could feel that those four guys once in a while looked at Angie and me. I could ignore it but Angie couldn’t. After we finished our meal, she directly rushed me out of the food stall to escape.
This reminds me of one article I read in Aquarini’s book—Kajian Budaya Feminis (Feminist Culture Studies). She wrote most women undergo sexual harassment in their life; be it a very “light” harassment such as ‘whistling’ until “heavy” one such as touching or rubbing some parts of women’s bodies when they are in public places. Women are often reduced only as “a pile of flesh and bones” without soul so that women easily become victims for such sexual harassment done by men. Men “wholeheartedly” feel like they have full right to do anything they like to women coz women are just “a pile of flesh and bones”; just objects. Men don’t need to feel guilty to do harassment coz they are superior. On the contrary, women who get sexual harassment often feel that something wrong in them so that they deserved to be “enjoyed” by men. Perhaps they feel that they have big breasts, big ass, or oven on the way round, skinny breasts and skinny ass. Women with big “ones” get sexual harassment while women with skinny “ones” get mockery. It is always wrong to have female bodies.
Lucky Aquarini coz she could overcome that feeling when she was young. She could convince herself that there was not anything wrong in her that made some boys abuse her. When I was in elementary school and got sexual abuse from the boys in the classroom next door, I could just run away and hide myself. Sometimes I complained to God why my breasts grew earlier than my classmates so that those boys nicknamed me, “mountain”, very ridiculous and annoying nick for me at that time.
I still brought that upbringing—that women’s bodies are the source of sin—until I found the answer in the feminism ideology, in 2003. I believe it was coz the very strong religious upbringing I got from my parents and teachers in elementary school, also from the patriarchal culture where I was raised.
I have told Angie to take it easy when there is a guy or a group of guys take a look at her greedily. There is nothing wrong in her. Something wrong is in those guys’ minds. However, Angie still acts the same.
I always dream to have a better world where men no longer consider women as sexual objects. That some women can do the similar thing—reduce men only as sexual objects—doesn’t guarantee that it has already made it equal.
PT56 23.17 260706
Some hours ago, we just had dinner in one food stall. A group of four guys sat nearby. I never give a damn to any guy looking at me. Perhaps coz I have problems with my poor eyesight (I am very lazy to wear my glasses when I am not in front of the computer) so that I don’t have a good look at people around me. I cannot recognize then whether they look at me abusively or just curiously. Therefore, it often makes me ignorant to people around when I am in public places. However, I could feel that those four guys once in a while looked at Angie and me. I could ignore it but Angie couldn’t. After we finished our meal, she directly rushed me out of the food stall to escape.
This reminds me of one article I read in Aquarini’s book—Kajian Budaya Feminis (Feminist Culture Studies). She wrote most women undergo sexual harassment in their life; be it a very “light” harassment such as ‘whistling’ until “heavy” one such as touching or rubbing some parts of women’s bodies when they are in public places. Women are often reduced only as “a pile of flesh and bones” without soul so that women easily become victims for such sexual harassment done by men. Men “wholeheartedly” feel like they have full right to do anything they like to women coz women are just “a pile of flesh and bones”; just objects. Men don’t need to feel guilty to do harassment coz they are superior. On the contrary, women who get sexual harassment often feel that something wrong in them so that they deserved to be “enjoyed” by men. Perhaps they feel that they have big breasts, big ass, or oven on the way round, skinny breasts and skinny ass. Women with big “ones” get sexual harassment while women with skinny “ones” get mockery. It is always wrong to have female bodies.
Lucky Aquarini coz she could overcome that feeling when she was young. She could convince herself that there was not anything wrong in her that made some boys abuse her. When I was in elementary school and got sexual abuse from the boys in the classroom next door, I could just run away and hide myself. Sometimes I complained to God why my breasts grew earlier than my classmates so that those boys nicknamed me, “mountain”, very ridiculous and annoying nick for me at that time.
I still brought that upbringing—that women’s bodies are the source of sin—until I found the answer in the feminism ideology, in 2003. I believe it was coz the very strong religious upbringing I got from my parents and teachers in elementary school, also from the patriarchal culture where I was raised.
I have told Angie to take it easy when there is a guy or a group of guys take a look at her greedily. There is nothing wrong in her. Something wrong is in those guys’ minds. However, Angie still acts the same.
I always dream to have a better world where men no longer consider women as sexual objects. That some women can do the similar thing—reduce men only as sexual objects—doesn’t guarantee that it has already made it equal.
PT56 23.17 260706
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Family Name 2
My parents are cousins so that they have the same family name, “Podungge”. This family name is somewhat strange to Javanese people’s ears so that my family sometimes had funny stories coz of this family name. When I was a kid, realizing that this family name was very strange, I was happy to know that this family name was not put behind my name in the birth certificate so that at school, my friends only knew me as “Nurhayati”. Kids here sometimes like to play jokes on parents’ names and it can be very offensive sometimes.
One day in 1970s, I sent a letter to my cousin living in Gorontalo, North Sulawesi, and I addressed her as, “Dearest Hilma Podungge”. My mom corrected me by saying, “She is not a Podungge.” Seeing me confused, she explained that her sister—my cousin’s mother—married to a man with different family name. I was wondering why my cousin should use her father’s family name and cannot choose to use her mother’s?
When reading Saman—a novel written by Ayu Utami, a feminist writer in Indonesia—I found Ayu’s witty criticism on this family name. Shakuntala—one main character in the novel—got difficulty to arrange her documents to study abroad coz she didn’t want to fill in the family name’s column. Her bad relationship with her father made her “kill” the father. At last, to compromise, she divided her name into two; Shakun as the first name, and Tala, as the family name. “Why should my father always follow me wherever I go during all my life? Can’t I live in peace without being related to my father?” this was a question uttered by Ayu Utami via her character in the novel.
Well, as long as there is no violence to women in using this family name, I don’t find it hurtful. However, when knowing in some certain ethnic groups of Indonesia that a woman is forced to bear many babies until she can “produce “ a baby son to pass on the family name, I object very much why a child cannot choose to use the mother or the father’s family name.
Suddenly, I really appreciate my late father’s choice not to include the family name behind my name in the birth certificate. I don’t belong to my father. LOL.
PT56 13.19 250706
One day in 1970s, I sent a letter to my cousin living in Gorontalo, North Sulawesi, and I addressed her as, “Dearest Hilma Podungge”. My mom corrected me by saying, “She is not a Podungge.” Seeing me confused, she explained that her sister—my cousin’s mother—married to a man with different family name. I was wondering why my cousin should use her father’s family name and cannot choose to use her mother’s?
When reading Saman—a novel written by Ayu Utami, a feminist writer in Indonesia—I found Ayu’s witty criticism on this family name. Shakuntala—one main character in the novel—got difficulty to arrange her documents to study abroad coz she didn’t want to fill in the family name’s column. Her bad relationship with her father made her “kill” the father. At last, to compromise, she divided her name into two; Shakun as the first name, and Tala, as the family name. “Why should my father always follow me wherever I go during all my life? Can’t I live in peace without being related to my father?” this was a question uttered by Ayu Utami via her character in the novel.
Well, as long as there is no violence to women in using this family name, I don’t find it hurtful. However, when knowing in some certain ethnic groups of Indonesia that a woman is forced to bear many babies until she can “produce “ a baby son to pass on the family name, I object very much why a child cannot choose to use the mother or the father’s family name.
Suddenly, I really appreciate my late father’s choice not to include the family name behind my name in the birth certificate. I don’t belong to my father. LOL.
PT56 13.19 250706
What is in a name?
“What is in a name?” Shakespeare said. However, I oftentimes think that it is very interesting to know the history why someone is named X or Y. when having a new class with new students, I often ask my students the history of their names; especially if some of them have unique names to me. I often feel curious when they say that they don’t know anything about the history of their names coz their parents never tell them whether there is really a special event preceding the birth of the babies.
I always love to tell my students, and also people who are curious to know the history of my name.
I am the first daughter of my parents after they had two sons before me (unfortunately the first son died when he was around five months old coz of a very serious disease). My mom told me that my dad was very excited to have the first baby daughter so that he called me “Nona”. Nona means a girl, not married yet. After my parents decided to give me a full name “Nurhayati”, they still called me “Nona” as the nickname. “Nurhayati” is an Arabic word that means the light of life. When I was in elementary school and learned Arabic, I loved to make “ti” long that shows possessive adjective “my” so that my name “Nurhayati” means the light of MY life; although my mom told me that their giving me that name was caused by the fact that my coming to their life was like a light they were waiting for in their life. Well, kids oftentimes love to be self-centered. LOL.
However, then they changed my nick “Nona” into “Nana” with the reason, “Later this baby will grow up and will get married. After getting married, she is no longer appropriate to be called “Nona”. In fact, she will be called “Nyonya”.” FYI, “nyonya” is similar to Mrs in English; while “Nona” is similar to Miss.
Btw, both of my parents come from Gorontalo, North Sulawesi where people use family name behind their names. It is different from the tradition of Javanese people who don’t commonly have family name. However, in my birth certificate, my parents didn’t add the family name behind my name so that my full name in it is just “Nurhayati”. Consequently, all of my school certificates only contain “Nurhayati”, without the family name.
When I was in elementary school all of my friends, including the teachers, called me my nickname rather than the full name. In fact, it made me feel so secure with my nickname rather than with my full name. And without my awareness, I always feel uncomfortable when people recognize me as “Nurhayati”.
After I got married, people in my neighborhood started to call me as “Mrs. X”. It even made me feel more uncomfortable. It made me feel like I really had to leave my old self behind, me as a free individual with all of my characteristics and became someone new. Once I complained about it to my mom and she said, “Don’t complain about it. All women will undergo the same thing with you; you are not the only one. No one else complains to my knowing so you are not supposed to complain either.” With strong upbringing I got when I was a kid—that children are not allowed to contradict their parents—I kept quiet.
I was still lucky, I suppose, coz in my workplace people still call me using my own name, and not hubby’s name.
When getting to know feminism ideology, and knowing that many feminists don’t like the idea of putting their husbands’ name behind theirs, I was excited coz eventually I found my “community”—a group of women who don’t like the idea that wives must always be related to the husbands. It seems like women no longer exist after getting married; they are just “part” of their husbands.
I know many women around me love to be called as “Mrs. X” rather than their own names (to show that they are already “sold out”? LOL). However, I think women also have rights to choose how they will be called.
PT56 12.24 250706
I always love to tell my students, and also people who are curious to know the history of my name.
I am the first daughter of my parents after they had two sons before me (unfortunately the first son died when he was around five months old coz of a very serious disease). My mom told me that my dad was very excited to have the first baby daughter so that he called me “Nona”. Nona means a girl, not married yet. After my parents decided to give me a full name “Nurhayati”, they still called me “Nona” as the nickname. “Nurhayati” is an Arabic word that means the light of life. When I was in elementary school and learned Arabic, I loved to make “ti” long that shows possessive adjective “my” so that my name “Nurhayati” means the light of MY life; although my mom told me that their giving me that name was caused by the fact that my coming to their life was like a light they were waiting for in their life. Well, kids oftentimes love to be self-centered. LOL.
However, then they changed my nick “Nona” into “Nana” with the reason, “Later this baby will grow up and will get married. After getting married, she is no longer appropriate to be called “Nona”. In fact, she will be called “Nyonya”.” FYI, “nyonya” is similar to Mrs in English; while “Nona” is similar to Miss.
Btw, both of my parents come from Gorontalo, North Sulawesi where people use family name behind their names. It is different from the tradition of Javanese people who don’t commonly have family name. However, in my birth certificate, my parents didn’t add the family name behind my name so that my full name in it is just “Nurhayati”. Consequently, all of my school certificates only contain “Nurhayati”, without the family name.
When I was in elementary school all of my friends, including the teachers, called me my nickname rather than the full name. In fact, it made me feel so secure with my nickname rather than with my full name. And without my awareness, I always feel uncomfortable when people recognize me as “Nurhayati”.
After I got married, people in my neighborhood started to call me as “Mrs. X”. It even made me feel more uncomfortable. It made me feel like I really had to leave my old self behind, me as a free individual with all of my characteristics and became someone new. Once I complained about it to my mom and she said, “Don’t complain about it. All women will undergo the same thing with you; you are not the only one. No one else complains to my knowing so you are not supposed to complain either.” With strong upbringing I got when I was a kid—that children are not allowed to contradict their parents—I kept quiet.
I was still lucky, I suppose, coz in my workplace people still call me using my own name, and not hubby’s name.
When getting to know feminism ideology, and knowing that many feminists don’t like the idea of putting their husbands’ name behind theirs, I was excited coz eventually I found my “community”—a group of women who don’t like the idea that wives must always be related to the husbands. It seems like women no longer exist after getting married; they are just “part” of their husbands.
I know many women around me love to be called as “Mrs. X” rather than their own names (to show that they are already “sold out”? LOL). However, I think women also have rights to choose how they will be called.
PT56 12.24 250706
Monday, June 26, 2006
Stop being nosy, please?
Why do people tend to gossip about other people? Why don’t they just mind their own matter?
To forget their own problems in their life? To make themselves relieved that they are not the only ones who have problems, people need to find out other people’s weaknesses?
Last Sunday, June 18, 2006 when attending a wedding party of a workmate, I saw the new receptionist in my workplace—in her early twenties—come with a guy. I thought he was her boyfriend. In fact, he is her husband. Coz I didn’t know that she was already married, I commented, “Oh, she is already married? I don’t know about it yet.” Well, I suppose it was not my mistake not knowing that she was already married, was it? I never like to dig out other people’s personal problem. I view her as a receptionist, not as a wife of someone, or a child of someone, or a parent of someone. Or was it coz I was an ignorant person?
My comment in fact invited one workmate to talk more about that new receptionist. She said, “She also already has a baby, two and a half years old. She is too young to have a two and a half year old baby, isn’t she? That showed that her marriage was caused of “something”. (read getting pregnant before the wedding party. In Indonesia, it is still considered a disgrace.)
Knowing the atmosphere no longer conducive, (I don’t like to talk about other people’s personal problem), I tried to stop it by saying, “What’s wrong with our culture? When someone is still single, especially if she/he is considered old enough to get married, society will besiege her/him with questions such as, “When will you get married?” or “When will I get a wedding invitation from you?” After someone gets married for some time, people will besiege them with questions, “So, are you /is your wife already pregnant?” Now that she (the receptionist) already got married and already had a baby, people still talk about her. Why don’t we just shut our mouth talking about other people’s personal life?”
A male workmate—approaching forty years old and still single—laughed loudly hearing what I said. He responded, “Yeah, that’s one characteristic of our people here, Ma’am.”
Well, I just want to try to have a healthier society, where people stop bullying other people’s personal affair.
PT56 20.25 250606
To forget their own problems in their life? To make themselves relieved that they are not the only ones who have problems, people need to find out other people’s weaknesses?
Last Sunday, June 18, 2006 when attending a wedding party of a workmate, I saw the new receptionist in my workplace—in her early twenties—come with a guy. I thought he was her boyfriend. In fact, he is her husband. Coz I didn’t know that she was already married, I commented, “Oh, she is already married? I don’t know about it yet.” Well, I suppose it was not my mistake not knowing that she was already married, was it? I never like to dig out other people’s personal problem. I view her as a receptionist, not as a wife of someone, or a child of someone, or a parent of someone. Or was it coz I was an ignorant person?
My comment in fact invited one workmate to talk more about that new receptionist. She said, “She also already has a baby, two and a half years old. She is too young to have a two and a half year old baby, isn’t she? That showed that her marriage was caused of “something”. (read getting pregnant before the wedding party. In Indonesia, it is still considered a disgrace.)
Knowing the atmosphere no longer conducive, (I don’t like to talk about other people’s personal problem), I tried to stop it by saying, “What’s wrong with our culture? When someone is still single, especially if she/he is considered old enough to get married, society will besiege her/him with questions such as, “When will you get married?” or “When will I get a wedding invitation from you?” After someone gets married for some time, people will besiege them with questions, “So, are you /is your wife already pregnant?” Now that she (the receptionist) already got married and already had a baby, people still talk about her. Why don’t we just shut our mouth talking about other people’s personal life?”
A male workmate—approaching forty years old and still single—laughed loudly hearing what I said. He responded, “Yeah, that’s one characteristic of our people here, Ma’am.”
Well, I just want to try to have a healthier society, where people stop bullying other people’s personal affair.
PT56 20.25 250606
"Good" woman vs "bad" woman?
One aerobics instructor’s husband in the club I join passed away around a week ago. Last Saturday, some people talked about that. One member of that “exclusive” gang (Y) said that she went to the funeral with her husband. It made a woman—around mid forties—talk to a woman sitting next to me, “Hey, you said that she is still single. Didn’t you hear that she came to the funeral with her husband?”
I jokingly commented, “Whose husband?” (I don’t know anything about Y and the other members of exclusive gang’s habit. Well, people talk about their “bad habit”, but I don’t understand about it. I seldom have friendly chat and have small talk with other members of the club. Besides, I don’t like to find out other people’s personal problems.)
R sitting next to me responded, “Yeah, whose husband? Perhaps another woman’s husband but she admitted as her husband?”
Ups … I didn’t expect that my joke in fact caused other people to gossip. It made me shut my mouth.
R continued saying, “Y said that she didn’t want to get involved with a guy for a long relationship. She did it just for fun with many guys.”
I didn’t comment anything coz I didn’t want to make the situation worse. But it didn’t mean that I didn’t go on listening to other people’s chat. LOL. Besides, I wanted to know more about the other members of the club.
This mid-forties woman continued saying, “I don’t understand why those women don’t feel shy to lie naked in front of many men. I myself feel very shy to my very own husband, that’s why I always do it in the dark.”
Apparently she followed the stereotyping people do; “good” women must not show their desire to men, including their own husbands; they must be passive; bad women are those who show their passion openly, moreover to do it with many men, outside wedlock.
In this patriarchal society, where women are considered to be successful if they can get husband, they’ve got to show to other people that they are “good” woman, so that they deserve to be married by a man. To be considered “good”, they must find the “contradictory”—“bad” woman, so that they busily find out the weakness of other women. Binary opposition requires two contradictory things, good versus bad; passive versus active, the oppressed versus the oppressor, etc.
I didn’t give any comment to what these two mid-forties women talked about. I didn’t like people to judge other people using their own perspective without trying to understand it from different perspective. I chose to keep quiet.
PT56 22.33 250606
I jokingly commented, “Whose husband?” (I don’t know anything about Y and the other members of exclusive gang’s habit. Well, people talk about their “bad habit”, but I don’t understand about it. I seldom have friendly chat and have small talk with other members of the club. Besides, I don’t like to find out other people’s personal problems.)
R sitting next to me responded, “Yeah, whose husband? Perhaps another woman’s husband but she admitted as her husband?”
Ups … I didn’t expect that my joke in fact caused other people to gossip. It made me shut my mouth.
R continued saying, “Y said that she didn’t want to get involved with a guy for a long relationship. She did it just for fun with many guys.”
I didn’t comment anything coz I didn’t want to make the situation worse. But it didn’t mean that I didn’t go on listening to other people’s chat. LOL. Besides, I wanted to know more about the other members of the club.
This mid-forties woman continued saying, “I don’t understand why those women don’t feel shy to lie naked in front of many men. I myself feel very shy to my very own husband, that’s why I always do it in the dark.”
Apparently she followed the stereotyping people do; “good” women must not show their desire to men, including their own husbands; they must be passive; bad women are those who show their passion openly, moreover to do it with many men, outside wedlock.
In this patriarchal society, where women are considered to be successful if they can get husband, they’ve got to show to other people that they are “good” woman, so that they deserve to be married by a man. To be considered “good”, they must find the “contradictory”—“bad” woman, so that they busily find out the weakness of other women. Binary opposition requires two contradictory things, good versus bad; passive versus active, the oppressed versus the oppressor, etc.
I didn’t give any comment to what these two mid-forties women talked about. I didn’t like people to judge other people using their own perspective without trying to understand it from different perspective. I chose to keep quiet.
PT56 22.33 250606
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